Use this point for your final check after you have considered all the positive qualities your prospective spouse possesses. Ask yourself several questions:
Why are you attracted to your prospective spouse?
Is there any source of attraction?
You must answer these questions first before you can tell if there is headway in starting a future with your prospective spouse. You can do this by enumerating them. Consider one’s charm, cleanliness, motivations, strengths and abilities. These qualities will give you something to anchor on daily if they appeal to you. You must anchor on something in your prospective partner, if not you will not bond together. But what you anchor on must obey two major rules:
It must not be need-driven. Don’t choose your spouse based on the fact that you have a need and he or she would meet them for you. For instance, needs like we can have children together, he will be a great father, she will be a great mother, she cooks for me, he has money to spend on me, she is presentable, he is great in bed, and he is ready for marriage. Problem starts after a few years when the excitements of getting your needs met have worn off because you already had them, since what happens afterwards in your marriage will be boring.
Don’t let it define your future. The tendency that you will be a source of problem to your spouse is high if you rest all your future growth on whatever your spouse has because you might be disappointed and become a different person when the things are not there anymore.
Experience is a key to life’s solution. Marriage is a part of life, and the knowledge of how to respond to issues you may have with your spouse in order to avoid an escalation is very useful to its growth. This knowledge might come after you have been in a few serious relationships, since you might not get good at something until you have done it many times. Unfortunately, most people marry in their first serious relationships, or they may not have a chance to be in more than a few before they settle down for marriage. Ensure that you know the dating experience of your prospective partner with respect to partnership persona before you can judge what he or she is capable of. With this knowledge, you can tell who is naive, and who is a professional, after a few chats with him or her.
Rule 1: Don’t assume that because your prospective partner is romantic, or very good in bed, he or she is experienced in the act of marriage.
Rule 2: Don’t think that a beginner or a person who has not had a relationship before cannot make a good marriage. Be yourself and let your prospective spouse be himself or herself too. The good thing about having freedom of expression in your relationship is that you will get to see who your prospective spouse really is.
You cannot know the mindset of your future partner if you do not spend time together. Conversation is the key in this section. You must talk about everything. Talk about your goals, your plans, your daily troubles, and how you care for each other. Check for one’s honesty if you can, temperaments, and how one interacts with one’s family and yours too. The aim of doing this is to know if you have the same personalities. Having the same personalities will enable you to be doing things with one accord. You need to really agree in order to carry your relationship forward smoothly.
The instant chemistry you feel for your prospective spouse on your first date, or at the first time you meet, does not give an assurance that he or she feels the same for you. You will make a mistake by concluding that your prospective spouse is attracted to you simply because you are attracted to him or her. You know yourself, and you are sure of what you feel inside, but you need some time to be sure of what your prospective spouse feels. So, be observant as you string yourselves along. Relationship or marriage is about two people, not about one person.
Double-checking your views
Over excitement about your blooming relationship can make you attach sentiments in your analysis of its true nature. Your opinion about your potential spouse is very important but do not make your big decision without letting trusted members of your family or friends weigh in on your relationship. You will have some vital clues about your prospective spouse when you do that. Introduce him or her to them after a few dates, and you will be glad you did if they gave you their sincere observations. Their contributions will either increase your confidence in the relationship, or warn you about an impending danger which is not visible to you.
No one wants to invest time in anything that is worthless. What that means is that anyone who does not appreciate you from the onset will not want to be there for you. Don’t let the excuse “I am busy” fool you. Taking the decision to start a relationship is also taking the decision to spend time with someone special. So don’t laugh when your prospective spouse does not keep appointments with you because it may mean one thing: you are not special. Solve the time issue first before you make your big decision. Don’t start a relationship with anyone who will not have time for you.
The platform issue
Two people on different platforms cannot do much since they do not have much in common. The fact that they are not on the same level shows that they will grow apart when they come together and try to maintain their stances, unless one of them is ready to join the other on his or her platform, or that both of them are ready to move to a new platform where they can carry each other along from the outset. Never start a love affair with anyone who thinks or acts as if either of you are not on the same level, or that the level he or she occupies is higher than yours, because you will be marginalized and that will lead to unrest in your union.
The equality issue
Love is better served when two people play it with a mindset that they are equal, not when one thinks that the other is a servant. Studies have shown that a master-servant relationship is not the best route to happiness. You cannot give your best in a relationship where you think you are the master (Main Character) and your partner is the servant. More so, you cannot feel fulfilled in a relationship when you think you are being used as a servant because you will feel used. Never start a relationship with anyone who believes he or she is doing you a favour by opting to date you.
The smart animal knows how to avoid a hidden trap, no matter how it appears. Also, the smart animal knows how to spot the hidden good in one on a first date, no matter how timid and annoying one is. To do this, the smart animal employs what I call “The Correct Fire Brigade Approach”.
This approach is all about having the foresight to judge one by one’s words without being fooled by one’s lies or moods, and having the ability to string one along without getting hurt.
Step 1: Be nice. Being nice is like being a sniper. A sniper aims at a target for a good shot. Chat with your date and ask questions when you think you have to.
Step 2: Smile and make eye contact even if you do not feel it. You can change the way one plans to treat you by just doing that.
Step 3: Be patient. This trait will help you to listen and look one in the eye, as if one has something else to say.
Step 4: Be able to tell what you have that one does not have. In that way, you will know how to help your relationship grow.
Step 5: Be flexible but do not involve in sex until you are sure of one. It will increase one’s desire to know you.
Be careful when you choose a partner because we have two sets of people in a dating game: the good guys and the bad guys.
The good guys exhibit good traits and think good within them than you can see in their physical attributes. Sometimes, this goodness makes them timid and they are liable to make mistakes when they are on their first dates. On the other hand, the bad guys exhibit good traits but think bad within them than you can observe in their physical features. Always, they are smart and know every word that their dates want to hear when they are on their first dates.
The Hidden Trap
Many people, especially woman, fall into this trap on their first dates and make mistakes. Let us assume a woman has a first date with a good man in a restaurant. At the restaurant she notices that the man does not charm her the way she expects, even though the man has other characteristics which are appealing to her. She takes a decision right there and decides not to go ahead with him. She keeps another date in the restaurant with a bad guy and falls in love with him right there because of his eloquence and his ability to fulfill her first-date expectations. Suddenly, after a few dates with the bad guy, she cries of heartbreak and wonders why a guy she loved so much would treat her as if he never cared, even though he had said that many times. Truth is bitter, and the truth is that the bad guy wanted her for only a few dates, nothing more. What is the way forward? You will get an update on Sunday.
Choose your partner carefully, because from this decision you will have either happiness or misery. The first thing to bear in mind when you choose a partner is that you are choosing many things: your intimate partner; your talking buddy; your eating companion; your parenting partner; your career counselor; your travel, leisure, and retirement friend; and someone you will see when you are in your best and bad moods. Being aware of that is like being aware of what you want to go into, and it will serve as a guide in any decision you want to take. You can use these ten-point checks to make your choice:
Physical attributes of your prospective partner
You cannot make the right choice if you do not know what you want. Knowledge of what you want will enable you judge correctly when you see what you do not want. Ask yourself, how do I want my partner to look? If you can answer this simple question correctly, then you will be one step closer to what you really want. Do not choose one whose physical attributes do not meet your specification, unless one has other good qualities which can compensate for that. How can you know that one has good qualities when your focus here is on vetting one’s physical attributes if they appeal to you?
The act of choosing the right partner for a love affair seems easy, but it is indeed the most important thing to get right and the first obstacle we encounter on our route to a love affair.
This obstacle is one of the reasons why most relationships and marriages that kicked off with so much love and affection no longer exist today. Therefore, your choice of partner is like the key you need to start a new car. Each car has a unique key, which can start it and propel it forward. Likewise, each one has a unique person who can make one feel loved first and then give one the strength to love in return. Mark the phrase “feel loved first” because how you feel in your new affair is what determines how you will react to your new partner.
But do you know that most of the time we feel excitements at the beginning of our relationships or marriages? Keep in mind that most of the love affairs or marriages that ended in divorce started with excitement, love, and affection. Now, how do we choose our partner in order to reduce the risk of starting a relationship with the wrong person?